A Face Only a Fist Could Love

Amidst the hoards of hasty travelers shouting out drink orders over the shoulders of others, shoving there way through their fellow hyena brethren for food and drinks, stood a most audacious woman. Her C U Next Tuesday face still haunts my dreams, unless I’m lucid dreaming then I just scream into her head until it explodes like a Mortal Kombat fatality. In the middle of a fucking zoo, with the entire store full of people spilling out into the walkways and gate areas, this woman had the nerve to ask such a question.

“Could you please tell me if the brie cheese is pasteurized?”

“Um you know I’m not sure but I would think it is.” I try to walk away to the masses of other humans that need real assistance.

“SIR-HEY-SIR- well could you go look?” She stops me from leaving and gives me sass eyes only Satan could love.

I was livid.

Nothing makes me want to dropkick somebody more than hearing about their bullshit new-age food restrictions or concerns. Hell maybe they aren’t even new-age but my God. First of all the vast majority of commercial cheeses are going to be pasteurized. We aren’t a merchant on a little dirt road in rural France. Don’t worry, the cheese is safe. Second of all GET A CLUE and know better than to ask such an absurd question at the worst possible time. I’ve got six people trying to cash out and six people trying to put alcohol in their bloodstream and you think it’s acceptable to ask me to leave all that to check if Pasteur’s method found its way to our brie? But I get it, I know the kind. The entitled little shmuckos and shmuckettes that can’t comprehend not getting their prissy little way and paying mind to others. It’s these kinds of people that should be the ones sent to Mars to start colonizing so the rest of us humans on earth can live in peace.

If you’re someone who is being served by a server or being prepared food by a (most likely) angry man or woman in a kitchen and you have a laundry list of specifications on what you can and cannot consume, just know that you are disliked immensely and the chef is going to scream into your food and soak it with hate. Most likely if you are that person in a restaurant or bar or whatever, you are obnoxious in other aspects of life too, so again, GET A CLUE. And if you are going to be gluten free or fat free or joy free or whatever, at least be extra nice about it and per chance acknowledge your inconvenience. Nobody has thyme for that.

Is the cheese pasteurized…give me a break.